mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
