How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
