Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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