I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
