Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
