god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
