I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
