woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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