I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
