so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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