these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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