i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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