I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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