ya dads aren't the best wingmen
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
