he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
