She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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