this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
