I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
