My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
