I'm pants shitting drunk right now
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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