I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
