onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize