My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
