that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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