I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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