Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
