I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
