We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
