im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
