hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize