Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My dick has a subreddit
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
