i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
