I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
