I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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