What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
