Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
