i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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