If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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