"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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