Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Green mimosas i think yes
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
