hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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