Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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