Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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