I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
