Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
