Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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