Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
