I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
