OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
