I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
