my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
