Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
