i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Randomize
