the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
